Reflecting on Allah’s signs

In the Name of Allah, the Creator, the Guide

Source: Travel Photographer (iStock)

Dear you,

It’s been forever! It's funny how my published writings have become a once-in-a-year endeavor. Lol, a good number of my previous writings actually contained sentences on consistent writing and the works, yet see me. I should probably remove the term “budding writer” from my LinkedIn description because, at this point, I couldn’t be more distant from it. But in other news, I have completed the first year of my psychology master’s program (Alhamdulillah!), and I could no longer resist the almost violent tugs at my brain and heart to put some of my thoughts on virtual paper, so here I am! 

I’m not sure if this post is going to be about my struggles with writing and publishing, or the original title at the top, or the thousand-and-one thoughts in my head, or just about life in general. Because, life is hard, and adulting has been harder! I mean, the phrase “life is uncertain” is not news to me, but nothing makes that statement clearer and truer, than adulting. The thing would not miss a chance to rub it in my face. Between the rigmarole of “figuring it out”, the accompanying anxiety, the many “syndromes and complexes” that I think I have (lol), and the oscillations between a hopeful and a numb heart, it’s been hard to catch a break! Worse still is the all-time inhumanity and suffering plaguing the world today, from Gaza to Sudan, to Kashmir, to the Ughyurs, to Nigeria, and every corner of the world, to be honest. We are all going through a lot and they have it even worse! I can only hope and pray that it ends very very soon! However, today’s writing is not about the sorry state of humanity and callousness of oppressors, although I believe that discussion truly deserves all the writing and attention there is to give, I just do not have the capacity to put my grief and anger to understandable words, yet. So rather, this will just be an attempt to share my reflections on moments of ease, comfort, and sanity in the chaos. Moments that are worth a thousand others. Moments that make everything else make some sense and command the will to keep “figuring it out”. Truly defining moments!

I had one of such not so many months ago. 

Source: Vecteezy

You see, in times of utter confusion and desperation especially when making life-altering decisions, my instinct is often to ask Allah for help and particularly for a sign. Something, anything to make me feel like I am not delusional (I’m actually not, lol), because sometimes, my choices do not make sense to others. A sign to make a move or not. A sign to choose this or that. A sign to have hope or to give up. A sign for everything! Now, what makes this action a very arduous venture is that many things are usually happening simultaneously, and a sign could literally be anything. It could be as simple as a nudge (or multiple nudges) on the heart, it could be an enlightening conversation with someone else, it could be something happening physically before one’s eyes, or even something else. I often think unexpectedness is part of what makes it a sign, I mean I don’t think it is a hard rule or that the rule even makes any sense, but my doubtful self and Shaytan’s whispers make it very hard for me to believe something that I knew could have easily happened regardless (as a sign), I would not hear the end of it in my head. The even harder part is trying to delineate between all the possible signs in that moment. Which one is for my specific matter, and what is it telling me to do? Which one is guidance, which one is a warning, and which one is just a coincidence? 

I think of life these days as a blinded extreme sport, where one does not know (even if we think we do) the outcome of one's pursuits, the full consequences of one’s actions or inactions, the extent of one’s reward or punishment, the length of one’s trials, and of course, what is a sign and what isn’t, lol. Talk about uncertainty! 

However, the hardest part of the sign deciphering thing for me has been what to do when I feel like my sign is pushing me to be patient on something that my logical mind wants to let go of because holding on has been too painful. Oftentimes, such moments add a new layer of confusion because there’s usually a cognitive dissonance between what is happening before my eyes and the "supposed sign in my heart ", and everything ends up becoming a jumbled emotional mess super-fast.

Source: Travel Photographer

I had had one of such experiences, and I was sincerely tired of the back and forth with myself. I remember waking up to pray on this night, exhausted, confused, and not knowing what to ask for anymore. For some context, I really like the nighttime. It is my best time! My brain is never sharper, my heart never more open, my connection to Allah never better felt, and their synchrony never more apparent to me than in the nighttime.  It’s a time I guard jealously and make almost no exceptions with what I do when I am awake, which is to pray. But I digress. I was reciting some adhkar (remembrance of Allah) aloud and quite suddenly, my brain started to repeat some Ayahs (verses) of the Qur’an. I had learned these verses in secondary school from repeating the Al-Mathurat dua (prayer) book every Saturday morning as part of our Quran and Arabic school routine.  It felt so loud in my head, that I decided to detour from my adhkar and follow along in speech. However, I feared that I was going to make some mistakes if I only read from memory, as I didn’t recite it often, so I decided to get my Quran and read from it instead. I also decided to read its meaning so that I could fully connect to the words I was reciting, and that was what I did. 

The words were:

فَسُبْحَـٰنَ ٱللَّهِ حِينَ تُمْسُونَ وَحِينَ تُصْبِحُونَ ١٧

So glorify Allah in the evening and in the morning—

وَلَهُ ٱلْحَمْدُ فِى ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٰتِ وَٱلْأَرْضِ وَعَشِيًّۭا وَحِينَ تُظْهِرُونَ ١٨

all praise is for Him in the heavens and the earth—as well as in the afternoon, and at noon. 

يُخْرِجُ ٱلْحَىَّ مِنَ ٱلْمَيِّتِ وَيُخْرِجُ ٱلْمَيِّتَ مِنَ ٱلْحَىِّ وَيُحْىِ ٱلْأَرْضَ بَعْدَ مَوْتِهَا ۚ وَكَذَٰلِكَ تُخْرَجُونَ ١٩

He brings forth the living from the dead and the dead from the living. And He gives life to the earth after its death. And so will you be brought forth ˹from the grave˺.

وَمِنْ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦٓ أَنْ خَلَقَكُم مِّن تُرَابٍۢ ثُمَّ إِذَآ أَنتُم بَشَرٌۭ تَنتَشِرُونَ ٢٠

One of His signs is that He created you from dust, then—behold! —you are human beings spreading over ˹the earth˺.

وَمِنْ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦٓ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَٰجًۭا لِّتَسْكُنُوٓا۟ إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةًۭ وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَٰلِكَ لَـَٔايَـٰتٍۢ لِّقَوْمٍۢ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ ٢١

And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.

وَمِنْ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦ خَلْقُ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٰتِ وَٱلْأَرْضِ وَٱخْتِلَـٰفُ أَلْسِنَتِكُمْ وَأَلْوَٰنِكُمْ ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَٰلِكَ لَـَٔايَـٰتٍۢ لِّلْعَـٰلِمِينَ ٢٢

And one of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the diversity of your languages and colours. Surely in this are signs for those of ˹sound˺ knowledge.

وَمِنْ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦ مَنَامُكُم بِٱلَّيْلِ وَٱلنَّهَارِ وَٱبْتِغَآؤُكُم مِّن فَضْلِهِۦٓ ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَٰلِكَ لَـَٔايَـٰتٍۢ لِّقَوْمٍۢ يَسْمَعُونَ ٢٣

And one of His signs is your sleep by night and by day ˹for rest˺ as well as your seeking His bounty ˹in both˺. Surely in this are signs for people who listen.

وَمِنْ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦ يُرِيكُمُ ٱلْبَرْقَ خَوْفًۭا وَطَمَعًۭا وَيُنَزِّلُ مِنَ ٱلسَّمَآءِ مَآءًۭ فَيُحْىِۦ بِهِ ٱلْأَرْضَ بَعْدَ مَوْتِهَآ ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَٰلِكَ لَـَٔايَـٰتٍۢ لِّقَوْمٍۢ يَعْقِلُونَ ٢٤

And one of His signs is that He shows you lightning, inspiring ˹you with˺ hope and fear. And He sends down rain from the sky, reviving the earth after its death. Surely in this are signs for people who understand.

وَمِنْ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦٓ أَن تَقُومَ ٱلسَّمَآءُ وَٱلْأَرْضُ بِأَمْرِهِۦ ۚ ثُمَّ إِذَا دَعَاكُمْ دَعْوَةًۭ مِّنَ ٱلْأَرْضِ إِذَآ أَنتُمْ تَخْرُجُونَ ٢٥

And one of His signs is that the heavens and the earth persist by His command. Then when He calls you out of the earth just once, you will instantly come forth.

وَلَهُۥ مَن فِى ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٰتِ وَٱلْأَرْضِ ۖ كُلٌّۭ لَّهُۥ قَـٰنِتُونَ ٢٦

And to Him belong all those in the heavens and the earth—all are subject to His Will.

- Surah Ar-Rum 30: 17 -26

---

In those moments came some sanity and clarity;

There I was feeling sad and defeated about not knowing what to do, asking for signs over and over, and then feeling frustrated by my perception of the sign, yet Allah had affirmed in His Book and was affirming to me in those moments that His signs are abound. That in the most mundane of things are His signs and might, so what exactly was I worried about? Did I sleep by my will alone? Did I wake up only by my volition? Did I stumble upon those words of His (my sign in those moments) without His permission? Did I find the words to make all of the dua’s I had made till that point, without His guidance? So why then were my doubts and supposed dissonance pushing me to the brims of despair? Why was I fighting myself and my heart’s nudges because I felt reality was not aligning?

I was also reminded in those moments;

 That nothing happens except by Allah’s will.

That Allah was with me and aware of everything I was going through and feeling.

That whatever I was hoping for could only happen on Allah’s terms, not mine.

That Allah will and is granting me the best outcome regardless, even if I was perceiving it as misalignment.

That if Allah places on your heart a du’a, your job is to honor it by verbalizing it to Him, the “how it would manifest” is not your concern.

That if Allah nudges you to act, your part is to act, the “whether that effort would translate to the thing you were hoping for” is not your business.

That Allah’s guidance is abound and the “believer's instinct” is a thing, so when you feel guided towards something, regardless of your doubts, pray, ask for His help, and do what you can.

That hopelessness or despair is not an option.

And most importantly, that holding on to Allah and serving Him through whatever you are going through is the best thing you can do for yourself regardless of how you might be feeling.

--

So that's my pitch to myself and to you today, that you can't afford to give up on yourself and your Lord. That there's no alternative to having hope, and most importantly, that despite all the chaos, your "agidi (stubbornness) with yourself and the truth", and your errors, Allah is still with you, and He is orchestrating in your favor, for your Ultimate success. You just have to believe it and keep persevering!

--

I hope you choose to hold on and have hope, even through the detours, dear you.

I can't make any promises about when next I will write to you, so instead I'll say, I carry you in my heart and I leave you in the care of Allah. May Allah continue to be with you. Aameen.

--

Till next time…

With genuine care,

Your partner in adulting❤️